I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
