I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
