youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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