You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
