so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
