mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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