I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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