Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
