yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
