News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
