i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
