He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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