Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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