I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
