I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
