i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
