how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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