your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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