I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize