So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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