I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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