This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
