am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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