I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
