i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
