So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
