allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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