Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
