i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
