fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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