So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
