She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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