I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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