Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
