Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We got so high we made milksteak
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
