I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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