Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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