I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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