Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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