watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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