Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
