I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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