The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
