Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My penis needs a shock collar
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
