i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
