But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
