I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
