i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
