Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
