i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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