When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
do herpes really smell.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
