Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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