Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
