I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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