textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
