It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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