just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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