I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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