I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
