So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
